Don't Be Elfish

Some people only think of their elves. Such people are very elfish. Santa Claus is not very elfish. He’s giving stuff away. But is it his? No it belongs to his elves.

We should tell our elves the truth. To thine own elf be true, and I am. Roosevelt once said that all we have to fear is fear of elves. He was very elfless, but he was President. He was not afraid of elves, in fact he had a few in his cabinet.

People who think only of their elves are very small. They are thinking small. Walt Whitman loved elves. Perhaps he loved them too much. He even wrote a long poem called "Song of My Elf". Hamlet hated elves. Otherwise why would he have said "If only the Almighty had not fixed his canon ‘gainst elf slaughter." He talked openly of killing his elf. But that is truly elfish. Think of all those who would suffer if you killed your elf, including, of course, your elf.

Buddhists try to get rid of their elves. Like Mother Teresa they strive to be elfless. Meditate on the infinite and your elf will disappear. Who needs an elfish ego anyway?

Jefferson knew about elves: He had a special phrase for "Duh!" when he said "We hold these truths to be elf-evident". He was addressing King George III, whom he felt had been very elfish. Indeed the UK, even today, is full of elves. Most elves are nice enough and work for next to nothing but they ain’t rocket scientists, okay?

And then there is the elf-fulfilling prophecy. Even if your elves aren’t very bright, and not rocket scientists you still shouldn't give in to elf-doubt. Don’t doubt anything that your elf tells you. Otherwise you might not be able to live with your elf.

Do you drink too much? No doubt you are elf-medicating. Go see a shrink and learn more about your elf. However, if you must elf-medicate remember that they are very small, so you should break those pills in half. Go to the elf-help section of your local bookstore. There are all sorts of books about elf help. They are often about boosting your elf-confidence, about not beating your elf up so in the end you feel good about your elf and in turn the elf will feel good about you. Help your elf, but be sure to pay with a credit card on the way out.

Above all, don't lose elf-control. This is especially true if you have more than one elf. For most of us, you just have your elf. But Santa? He has scads of them. If he lost elf control, there would hell to pay. Elves ain't half human and they get into stuff. You would be amazed what mischief a few thousands of those little buggers can get into if you lose elf control. Yes, you probably would end up having to get out your elf gun and dispatch a few of them but could you do that, looking into their cute little beady elf eyes? I didn't think so.

Even if you don't end up shooting them, they can be a problem. Many elves cannot find jobs making toys any more and you see this sad fact every day. It's seasonal work and they get laid off in January. There are so many elf-service gas stations. Poor little guys checking your oil and wiping your mirrors. Be sure to give em a tip.