WEEPING AND NOSHING
Beware!
Avail ye of the Norton or the MacAfee
Annual levy.
Woe unto you, who surfest unprotected!
Tho' surfeit there be, thy senses glutteth.
It is meet thou shouldst hearken to this my tale!
Affix thee a surge protector too, for verily
I say unto you:
A momentary glitch doth destroy much:
Alas, Hast thou yet awakened
from thy unassuming slumber to find
That thy computer doth lie
by a fateful bolt from the heavens slain?
Say ye never mind?
Ask ye questions rhetorical such as:
Canst thou not still read?
Aye! Yeah, right!
Thou thy internet fix must have
The gentle screen gloweth by night
And lightest thy face
Aglow with the wondrous information superhighway
Whence all joy doth come.
Woe! Woe! Woe unto you
If thy monitor, clueless,
Unaware its companion gone,
Blinketh stupidly.
Then gatherest thou thy beloved microprocessor
sadly in thy arms.
Weeping, takest thou her to a geek,
who sayeth
"Aye, yes, I can your digital friend
To health restore, but why?
For that much canst thou not go wrong
Buying a whole new computer system!"
So 'twas decided and agreed
That the faithful geek
her heart into a new body would transplant
Her drives slaves in servitude to a new master
would supplant.
But
"Thou must wait", sayest the geek at last
"Back ye must call on Friday"
"Wait thou must!"
"Till then must thou forgo the pleasures of surfing.
No internet till then?
But what can I do? read a book? Talk on the phone?
Cast I was in the outer darkness
Whilst email messages didst accumulate
And weeping and noshing, cruel fate I lamented!
Weeping and noshing
(Some days like that be)
Left thus thou wast,
Tho' wuss and worse thee be called.
Nothing but a cordless telephone remaineth
A small print phone directory
Into which thou squintest
In the gloom and half darkness
Where the godforsaken digitally deprived
Doth dwell.
So beware,
So while your Computer is still compos mentis
Consult Ye the Gods of Google
Ask ye the Oracle of Yahoo, Just Ask!
And trust that what ye asketh
Thou canst not but the Truth receive
But beware!
Be thou kind to your system
Accept ye not just any cookie
As ye knoweth not whence the nuts in it came
And what nuts might have created it.
Else you too, (my son) thyself will find
the parsimonious keys to the cosmos given ye,
By public access gatekeepers.
Bear ye not the humiliation,
Place ye not at the mercy of prim reference librarians,
for they will twenty minutes make thee wait
Among the have-nots of the digital divide
For your meager allotment of 59 minutes online
In their hushed carpeted halls
Where the computers be alarmed.
So hurry thou!
Our father
Hallowed be thy main frame
Lead us not into porn sites
But deliver us from adware
Give us this day our daily threads
And forgive us our forgotten passwords
As we forgive those who start flame wars
against us
And give us all an Advil.
For thine is the server, the power supply, and the glory.
Amen.
Posts
